Posts tagged relationships

Time is running out, something I always feel acutely aware of.  Right now, I am in a comfortable place, relying on the support of my parents, but my parents will not always be there to provide me with that support.  One day I will be on my own.

Being on my own frightens me.  I’ve never had much faith in myself to get things on track and do what needs to be done to provide a life for myself.  For a very long time my plan was to slowly vanish from the lives of my friends, wait until my parents were no more, and then I would kill myself.  That is not something I say casually, or for dramatic effect, it just seemed to be the simplest, most logical solution to my problems.

Sometimes I still feel that way, but there are parts of me, maybe increasingly, that want to do the difficult thing - to get things sorted out and become independent.  

A couple of years ago my Mother had a (second) cancer scare.  We didn’t know if she would be OK (thankfully she is and only slightly worse for wear), and for a long time my thoughts revolved around how sad it would be for her to leave behind a daughter that was so broken.  Even looking back on that now makes me incredibly emotional.  Don’t I owe it to this woman to sort myself out and be happy?