Today is a bad day.  I had to go and cry in my bathroom, and that is never a good sign. 

Even though I think of myself as a “recovering depressive” most of the time, things still get tough.  It feels like classing myself as “recovering” is being a bit too optimistic right now.  I try hard not to let my day-to-day life suffer too much from what’s going on under the surface, but it’s still a pretty big mess under there.  I wrote about identity before - we all have a persona we present to the world - I try to be a character I’ve created for myself, but that can be exhausting.

You might think that I should just “be myself”, but unfortunately myself might not be all that likeable, and having so few friends in the world means I would prefer not to drive them away.

I don’t have a real theme or topic for my post today, no advice or helpful observations, just my feelings, which aren’t things I share all that readily or honestly, because they are unpleasant.  Counselling has tried to teach me to cope with these onslaughts - because that is what they feel like - by “unpacking” my feelings.  Sitting calmly, maybe writing things out or drawing them, getting down into the root of what is upsetting my balance.  I can’t do that today.  I don’t know where it’s coming from because I’m too busy being knocked about by the feelings.  

There’s a sort of tension to it, and all that I can do is release some pressure valve inside myself and let go of everything.  I sob into a tissue and let it all wash over me - the depression, the anger, the resentment and the frustration, and eventually it’s all emptied out and ready for the next cycle to begin.

My consolation in all of this is that I recognise it will ease off again, and that for a while at least, balance will be restored, and that every time it happens is another chance to conquer whatever demon is lurking behind it all.